July 6, 2013 at 3:04 PM

I’m sitting at the KOCP jetty, learning a little about birdwatching. Since my bino is not high in magnification, lack of experience and how swift the birds flew (hence the name), I can’t confirm the species. But I think I spotted a pair of pacific swallow (Hirundo tahitica), several individuals of white-bellied swiftlet. Just a minute ago, I was quite sure I heard a bellowing call although I wasn’t sure before. I thought prior that it was the squeeking sound made from the boat rubbing against the jetty.

Going to leave very soon from now. Slept very early last night. I guess everybody’s tired. But I was the last one to sleep since I took my bath very late. Woke up at 6.27 am, maybe I’m already used to that hour. But I slept back again and eventually get off from my “sleeping bag”. Never did get to swim in the river. We can’t swim literally speaking since the water is quite shallow. But manage to brush my teeth in the river this morning since there wasn’t any tap water/gravity water.

The place gets cold at night and the kampong people are quite shy. But very religious. Just the day when we first arrived, we had to wait for awhile to meet the kampong people after the mass has ended. We could hear choir singing from on top of the hill.

I didn’t do anything interesting today in UMS. Friends from Sukau called. How I miss them so much. It ever occurred to me to go there just to see them. How I missed listening to the gibbons in the morning. I went to AMC college during lunch hour to make arrangements for 5 staffs to make full time intensive English. Suppose to meet Rusdy and Marc this evening.

I’m between the midst of holding my breath because I knew not of things and between the need to speak to build conversation skills and to learn to be extrovert. Of which I don’t know is right. It could also be that the best thing to do is simply live and to not fear of making mistakes. So many times I hated myself of poor judgment and wrong action. It seems to me that most of my worries were self-inflicted.

I am like a child that could not keep her feelings to herself. I’m looking at a wrong direction. I believe that everyone is good that no one could ever had attention of hurting another being purposefully. I believe in relationships constructed out of love and romantism. I believe that you could get what you want by never stopping to hope and by pure hard work. I believe that truth, sincerity and honesty will shine through eventually. I believe that kindness acts will be rewarded and appreciated.

But seems to e, that the world doesn’t go by these terms. I feel stupid for thinking that it will. That whatever I’m doing will make a change and that individuality counts. It seems to me that believing in something unusual. Or is it faith?

Been here for 3 weeks, feels more like a year. Feeling very tired, fatigue – slept most of the day as soon returning from the forest. Will sleep in the forest again tomorrow. There was a large centipede last night. They’re looking everywhere around the hut, it could be dangerous.

I’m covered with mosquito bites from head to toe, they’re everywhere. Also bruises around my legs. One at my left knee looked pretty bad, internal bleeding possibly and veins in the background of blue. Had some burns from the mosquito coils. Got insect bite at the left elbow, seems like a reaction.

My body itches everywhere including my back. Very glad had a bottle of powder to sooth the itches.

I simply smiled then saw a reaction of surprise in his face. Guess he probably knew that I knew there wasn’t going to be next time. I’m getting very cranky. I was very straight forward and I couldn’t care less if I was “offending” anyone especially when someone pisses me off. Rosdi looked terrified though. Probably because he irritates me the most and I gave piece of my mind bluntly. Many things happened. Mother called that day but went to the forest. Called back yesterday at 2 but I was in the forest again. I’ve informed earlier if she wanted to call, she could at the time specified but she didn’t.

Sorry but my so-called “ungratefulness” seems to be showing again.

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